7 Ways to Keep Small Offenses From Destroying Your Marriage

Raise your hand if you’ve experienced the following (or something similar):

> You walk into your newly cleaned bathroom, only to find a pile of clothes — damp from sweat — splayed out on the floor. The hamper is ten feet away in the closet one room over.

> You make a nice dinner, expecting your spouse home from work at six. It’s now 6:20, and you’re still waiting… you’re trying to keep the food well-prepared, but with every passing minute the salad gets more wilted and the casserole gets less spongy. By 6:30, you’re hangry and annoyed. You make up two plates, cover one with foil to place in the fridge, and eat alone.

> You go to make yourself a frittata. You chop and dice and mix and warm the skillet. You reach for the cooking spray and it. is. dead. empty. There’s not even a drop, yet it was still in the cabinet. You check the fridge for butter — none of that either. You check the shopping list on the fridge — no mention of cooking spray. Who used it last? You remember your husband made the kids pancakes last night… and used lots of cooking spray.

As isolated events, these three scenarios would be considered “little things” in a marriage, as in, “little disagreements”, “little annoyances”, “little inconveniences”. On their own, they’re not catastrophic and grounds for divorce, they wouldn’t require marriage counseling, they are relatively innocent offenses.

Right?

“Why can’t my spouse just change?!”

If you’re the “you” in these scenarios, and this “little thing” becomes a regular occurrence, you may feel something developing inside you: a wave of irritation, frustration, disappointment.

You may think to yourself, “this is such an easy fix — a no-brainer — why is it so hard to just be a responsible adult?” “I do xyz, we’ve demanded that our kids do xyz, why can’t he?”

Maybe you’ve confronted your spouse about the certain behavior. You’ve said, “Honey, please put your gross and dirty clothes in the hamper. I hate touching your sweaty stuff.”

Or you’ve asked, “Why is it so hard to be home right after work? You know I don’t love cooking but do it because I want you to have a nice and hot meal.”

Or you’ve said, “Seriously? You used all of the cooking spray AND butter? How many times have I told you to put it on the list please.” (At least you said please?)

Surface-Level Offense

On the surface, this problem — especially if it is recurrent and causes an escalation of negative feelings toward your spouse — may be labelled as “annoying”, “stupid”, “just a little thing”, but I’d presume that this little thing has potential to become a big and dangerous threat to your marriage. From my experience as a professional-little-thing-overlooker, I have found that a surface-level snowcap is just tip of a deep and heart-level iceberg capable of destruction and death.

Okay, that felt a bit aggressive, but stick with me here.

In marriage, every surface-level issue, if it happens enough times or is not resolved in a timely and effective manner, will become a heart-level issue. You’re not wrong for wanting a tidy bathroom — especially after you’ve just cleaned it. You’re not wrong for wanting your husband home when you have dinner ready. You’re not wrong for wanting him to throw away empty containers and contribute to the shopping list.

But you are wrong for letting those things affect the health of your marriage.

You’re wrong for allowing them to negatively impact how you view your husband.

You’re wrong for letting a little thing become a big thing.

You’re wrong for not protecting your heart, your husband’s heart, and the heart of your marriage.

The Root Cause of Your Marriage Problems: Heart-Level Offense

The actual problem is not that you feel annoyed when your husband leaves his clothes on the floor. The heart-level problem is that you feel disrespected, unappreciated, like his mother who is expected to care for a child, like you’re superior for taking the steps to maintain a clean home when he’s too lazy to even try.

The actual problem is not that you feel irritated when your husband comes home late… again. The heart-level problem is that you feel invisible, inconvenient, offended. You wonder if he would rather stay at work late because he doesn’t enjoy coming home to you; you’re like a pathetic puppy — excited to greet him and make him feel loved — yet he chooses to BS with his buddies instead of rush home to you. That makes you feel insecure, unloved, unimportant, foolish. Or maybe, after this occurs over and over again, you simply can’t trust his word anymore. You feel lied to, duped, and manipulated.

The actual problem is not that you feel frustrated when your husband uses all of the non-stick cooking ingredients and doesn’t contribute to the list so you can’t make your frittata. The heart-level problem is that you’ve tried to establish a solution in the past, yet he can’t seem to follow through. You feel disrespected, unheard, without a voice as your requests get shoved aside to be forgotten and ignored. You feel like the survival of your household rests on your shoulders, like you try so hard to make things run smoothly, yet when you want to do just one thing for yourself, there’s no support.

See — the things are not so little, are they?

The consequences of allowing the little things to become the big things — the things that create coldness, distance, tension, and the eventual snowball roll of thing-after-thing — is that, before you know it, your marriage is in a place you never thought you’d find it.

When Your Heart Turns Cold, Your Marriage is in Trouble

You know how it feels when the temperature of your heart drops, right?

Every negative word, action, or behavior in a marriage influences the emotional landscape of the relationship. Like a brick wall being built around our hearts, each offense — despite how small — adds another layer of bitterness and resentment. Every occurrence makes the wall higher and heavier. Eventually, the wall is all we can see. The space surrounding our hearts is dark and cold. There’s no light, there’s no space, there’s no sustenance for life.

With a dark and cold heart, every aspect of intimacy in our marriages suffer. We are physically distant and cold. We are emotionally dead or overcome with feelings of resentment and disgust. We are mentally unable to see beyond our own viewpoint. If our spouse doesn’t notice the change or respond to our clearly-wounded-attitude in the way we expect, the negative feelings are intensified even more and the cycle perpetuates.

The Reality Check for the Frustrated Spouse: You’re the Problem

What if I told you that the problem you think is the problem, is not actually the problem?

1. The problem isn’t your spouse, it’s you. Regardless of what you think, you simply cannot control him. All you can do is control your feelings and how you respond to what irritates or frustrates you. Yes, you can discuss needs with him (we’ll get to that in a minute), but he is your spouse, not your child, and you are a team, not a micromanager.
2. He is not your enemy, and he is not trying to intentionally hurt you. Maybe dirty clothes on the floor truly does not bother him. He doesn’t consider it an issue at all. Maybe he needs 15 minutes to BS with the guys after a hard day at work to blow off a little steam before coming home (to an often disappointed wife… ouch) so he can be present and engaged with you. Maybe he was too busy making pancakes, cleaning up after himself, and connecting with the kids to remember to add to the grocery list. He isn’t malicious, he isn’t a bad man; he’s actual the wonderful man you married who deserves respect and grace. He’s just different from you.
3. Lastly, he isn’t the only one to blame. Maybe you’ve tried to communicate your frustration or need, but not in a way that he understood or had compassion for. He can’t read your mind, and likely has a hard time reading between the lines when a point is unsaid. Your lack of effective communication — both verbal and non-verbal — has likely contributed more than you realize or would like to admit.

The Solution: Soften Your Heart, Save Your Marriage

Three words: effective conflict resolution.

Two more words: effective communication.

Both skills require intentionality, preparation, and practice. But when sincerely applied, they can save marriages from being crushed by brick walls.

The goal of any attempt at conflict resolution and communication is three-fold:

1. Unity: less tension, more connection.
2. There is no individual winner; the win is, as a team, you come up with an effective solution together.
3. At the end of the discussion, you feel loved and heard, he leaves feeling respected; neither party feels manipulated or duped.

Strategies for Effective Conflict Resolution and Communication in Marriage

Choose the time wisely. When you’re tired, hungry, angry, or stressed, it is not the time to discuss marital issues. It’s okay to say, “we need to talk about this, but I just don’t think I’m in the place to do it as kindly as I’d like to right now, can we please talk…?” If your spouse would like to discuss now, ask for a ten minute break so you can breathe, pray, or prepare yourself intentionally.

Focus on one issue only. Limit the discussion to the most recent or immediate issue. This is not the time to ambush your spouse with everything that irritates you. That only will lead to more frustration and defensiveness on his end.

Be intentional about expressing your feelings, not just the action that is affecting you. For example, say, “it makes me feel invisible and unloved and like I can’t trust your word when you say you’ll be home from work at six and then are consistently late,” or, “it makes me feel disrespected and ignored when I ask you to write groceries on the list but things get missed and I can’t do what I need to do for us.” Avoid placing blame with “you never” or “you always” statements.

Allow your spouse to explain his perspective. Ask, “what do you make of this?” and ensure him you want to hear his perspective. Like mentioned before, he may have no idea his actions are bothering you, or he may have a very valid reason for his behavior. Remember, he isn’t intentionally trying to hurt you or cause tension.

Gently state your need and ask to brainstorm a solution (or three) as a team. Asking, “what can I do to help?” or suggesting solutions will help your spouse feel less attacked and need to be defensive. For the dirty clothes scenario, possible solutions could be to place a hamper in the bathroom or develop a consistent habit of removing clothes in the closet.

Affirm like crazy. Be sure he knows how appreciative you are that he heard you and is willing to try a solution. Clearly point out his efforts as he follows through; genuinely thank him and express love in the way he would feel it (ie., his love language).

When the little thing happens again (because it likely will), be slow to attack and full of grace. At a healthy time and from a gentle heart, ask, “How is xyz working for you? I really appreciate how you followed through last week. Is there something else we could try? ” Again, the goal is always unity, teamwork, and respect.

Now what?

Is there one “little thing” that keeps coming to mind as you’re reading? Grab a pen and paper and write out the following steps:

1. Name the little thing.
2. Name the surface-level issue.
3. Name the heart-level issue.
4. Identify your role in allowing the little thing to get bigger.
5. Write out how you’ll express yourself to your spouse: “I feel… when…”
6. List two or three solutions to keep the little thing from happening.
7. Now mindfully choose a time and place to discuss this with your spouse. Greet him with a kiss and a gentle spirit. Remove distractions, and get to work being an effective conflict resolver and communicator.